This Is Me

Hi

My name is Teele. It's NOT pronounced 'teal' (tiːl). Try saying television and now try saying it without the 'vision' [tel-uh]. There, close enough - works.

I feel like I should make some things very clear about myself. Seems that I have been giving certain individuals a bit of a wrong impression about me quite a few times.

But first a bit about what I like and don't like. I don't think I'm like a lot of other girls. I have no idea what made me the way I am, but I'm pretty sure my mom had a lot to do with it. Fortunately I'm not going anywhere near the topic of how I was raised and what my family life was like, so let's just leave it at that.

I hate shopping, I hate dolls, I rarely wear make-up, I don't like dresses, I don't like skirts. I prefer playing Paintball to going to the hair salon. I like cars, I love driving, I love getting down and dirty and actually making stuff happen. I don't mind spending the entire day in stables throwing horseshit out. I love working with animals, I hate working with people. I don't like babies, they frighten me. I don't like children in general, they're messy and even though they can be cute sometimes I don't want one anytime soon.

Now, most of my friends are guys. And I think this is where I have royally fucked some shit up and now feel the need to explain my actions.

So... if I were to sum up my personality in one word then it would be "player". Cause that's what I do - I play with other people, I play with feelings (my own heavily included), I get people hurt, I manipulate and I usually get what I want in the end. It's a whole different story how long "whatever it was I wanted" lasts, but things do happen. Things happen all the fucking time.

I have been in this city for almost three months now and I can honestly say that if I wanted to I could write a fucking novel about all the shit that's happened here. My life here has been one big soap opera and to be honest, I can't see it ending any time soon.

See, I get on with people really well. I don't have a problem with meeting new people and making friends. People for me are a necessity. I need to talk, I need to communicate, I need to have fun and occasionally (though very rarely and not really in front of anybody) I need to let steam out. That might happen in one of the two ways:

1) I get really pissed off at someone which usually means I'm going to be extremely sarcastic and probably quite mean. I'm usually a nice person, but trust me - I am able to look someone in the eye and tell them exactly what I think about them.

2) Or I go somewhere alone and hope I can cry - but that shit never happens. I don't cry, I don't know how to cry and that just really makes me want to cry sometimes! Frustrating.

I am a loyal friend to the people who I care about. I might joke about stuff, but that's probably because it's easier to deal with life through jokes than actually talking about it. But I am reliable and I always come through when needed.

Apparently I have a flirty personality (see how the dots are beginning to connect?). I hadn't really thought about it before, because this is how I've always acted, but I suppose the cultural difference really does matter here. See, I have a best friend, a guy best friend and I act around him like I act around all the guys who I think are my friends and it's never been a problem with him before. So I come here, act like I act and what do I notice? Third day in Dundee and something's different - the way I act isn't considered just friendly anymore, it's flirty. And another one, 'let's go on a date' (FYI: I fucking hate dates, they are the most awkward things ever and I would rather cut my wrists than go on a date 'date' again). So You see where I'm going with this? Apparently I have given a lot of people the wrong impression about how I feel about them.

What ACTUALLY goes through my head and what everyone else THINKS don't match up. I'm being friendly/flirty(call it how You want) because that's just the way I fucking am. I am truly sorry if I ever gave anyone the wrong impression and I'm not even sure how many people will read this but if you think You are one of them, then I Am Sorry. When I like 'like' someone I will let them know (better sooner than later, but eventually it WILL happen) and I am quite BLUNT about these things. I don't like hurting people and I don't like giving false hope so I don't. And now I can smoothly go over to the next paragraph which deals with why I'm such a fucked up person.

I have been hurt so many times in my life, but for some reason I'm still a stupid fuck when it comes to relationships. Now don't get me wrong - I've never had a real relationship in my life so when I say 'relationship' it probably isn't exactly what You have in mind. What I've had can probably be classed as some fucked up version of a dirty romance story.

I don't really know the meaning of 'love' (in the context of romantic love). I wouldn't know how to be a Girlfriend. So I get scared, put on an act and fuck everything up.

I am a naive bastard when it comes to the matters of the heart (if you sensed the sarcasm then you probably already know me pretty well, kudos). I hate lovey-dovey stuff. I hate compliments, probably because I don't feel worthy of them so I dismiss them. I say "I'm fine" and I'm usually lying. I never feel fine. I might feel great or shit (usually shit). I don't like confrontations and I hate when people are upset with me. So I'm friendly,
I'm helpful and I'm nice. And apparently that's not a very good thing when it comes to guys - guys who I think of as only my friends and nothing else.

I'm not even sure if everything I just said made any sense, but I needed to get it off my chest. So there it is - ME. How I Am. And how I will be in the future (unless something monumental happens and completely changes me, though with my track record I really don't see that happening... ever).

I am not a skank, I don't sleep around, I'm not trying to be a bitch, but this side of me just slips out sometimes. I am outgoing, I am loyal, I love socialising, I hate everything fake (except for my hair, cause seriously - the brown that it used to be was just atrocious), I'm not girly (never ever will be). I am realistic, I am reliable, I am fucking well organized and even though I sometimes have really shitty weeks when I just run myself ragged, stop eating and say I hate life I don't really. Life might be hard at the moment, but it will get better. I am responsible for making it better for myself and I don't need anyone to feel sorry for me for any reason.

And who the fuck came up with the stupid notion of putting x-s in the end of text messages. I mean, x = kiss yeah? Do you seriously ever IRL (In Real Life) kiss all the people who put x-s everywhere? Eh, do you? Didn't think so. So what's the fucking point?

Compared to them...

The concept of being called "beautiful" is foreign to me. I don't know how to act so it makes me feel awkward. It makes me feel uncomfortable. Yet the thought is flattering. I want everything to think I'm really strong, but these things make me feel like a silly schoolgirl. Like I don't actually know anything about affection. And the truth is I don't. No one ever said "I love you" when I grew up, no one called me hun or darling. So when that shit suddenly gets thrown at me all at once I lose my balance and don't know what to do.

I feel really happy right now though. Like really really happy. But I'm paranoid that it's all a big joke. That I wake up tomorrow and it was all a dream. I think all that crap I went through with V really fucked me up. No 17-year old should have to deal with that. What the fuck was I thinking??

So I'm scared and because I'm scared I never let anyone get too close to me. And that fucks me up even more. But I'm really happy right now. I don't want that to go away. I want to smile and believe when someone tells me I have the cutest smile they've ever seen. Even if it doesn't last, I want to believe.

I'm nervous and excited. But so is he, so it's okay. It's going to be okay. Everything will be okay...

... I'm a fucking goddess