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This Is Me

Hi

My name is Teele. It's NOT pronounced 'teal' (tiːl). Try saying television and now try saying it without the 'vision' [tel-uh]. There, close enough - works.

I feel like I should make some things very clear about myself. Seems that I have been giving certain individuals a bit of a wrong impression about me quite a few times.

But first a bit about what I like and don't like. I don't think I'm like a lot of other girls. I have no idea what made me the way I am, but I'm pretty sure my mom had a lot to do with it. Fortunately I'm not going anywhere near the topic of how I was raised and what my family life was like, so let's just leave it at that.

I hate shopping, I hate dolls, I rarely wear make-up, I don't like dresses, I don't like skirts. I prefer playing Paintball to going to the hair salon. I like cars, I love driving, I love getting down and dirty and actually making stuff happen. I don't mind spending the entire day in stables throwing horseshit out. I love working with animals, I hate working with people. I don't like babies, they frighten me. I don't like children in general, they're messy and even though they can be cute sometimes I don't want one anytime soon.

Now, most of my friends are guys. And I think this is where I have royally fucked some shit up and now feel the need to explain my actions.

So... if I were to sum up my personality in one word then it would be "player". Cause that's what I do - I play with other people, I play with feelings (my own heavily included), I get people hurt, I manipulate and I usually get what I want in the end. It's a whole different story how long "whatever it was I wanted" lasts, but things do happen. Things happen all the fucking time.

I have been in this city for almost three months now and I can honestly say that if I wanted to I could write a fucking novel about all the shit that's happened here. My life here has been one big soap opera and to be honest, I can't see it ending any time soon.

See, I get on with people really well. I don't have a problem with meeting new people and making friends. People for me are a necessity. I need to talk, I need to communicate, I need to have fun and occasionally (though very rarely and not really in front of anybody) I need to let steam out. That might happen in one of the two ways:

1) I get really pissed off at someone which usually means I'm going to be extremely sarcastic and probably quite mean. I'm usually a nice person, but trust me - I am able to look someone in the eye and tell them exactly what I think about them.

2) Or I go somewhere alone and hope I can cry - but that shit never happens. I don't cry, I don't know how to cry and that just really makes me want to cry sometimes! Frustrating.

I am a loyal friend to the people who I care about. I might joke about stuff, but that's probably because it's easier to deal with life through jokes than actually talking about it. But I am reliable and I always come through when needed.

Apparently I have a flirty personality (see how the dots are beginning to connect?). I hadn't really thought about it before, because this is how I've always acted, but I suppose the cultural difference really does matter here. See, I have a best friend, a guy best friend and I act around him like I act around all the guys who I think are my friends and it's never been a problem with him before. So I come here, act like I act and what do I notice? Third day in Dundee and something's different - the way I act isn't considered just friendly anymore, it's flirty. And another one, 'let's go on a date' (FYI: I fucking hate dates, they are the most awkward things ever and I would rather cut my wrists than go on a date 'date' again). So You see where I'm going with this? Apparently I have given a lot of people the wrong impression about how I feel about them.

What ACTUALLY goes through my head and what everyone else THINKS don't match up. I'm being friendly/flirty(call it how You want) because that's just the way I fucking am. I am truly sorry if I ever gave anyone the wrong impression and I'm not even sure how many people will read this but if you think You are one of them, then I Am Sorry. When I like 'like' someone I will let them know (better sooner than later, but eventually it WILL happen) and I am quite BLUNT about these things. I don't like hurting people and I don't like giving false hope so I don't. And now I can smoothly go over to the next paragraph which deals with why I'm such a fucked up person.

I have been hurt so many times in my life, but for some reason I'm still a stupid fuck when it comes to relationships. Now don't get me wrong - I've never had a real relationship in my life so when I say 'relationship' it probably isn't exactly what You have in mind. What I've had can probably be classed as some fucked up version of a dirty romance story.

I don't really know the meaning of 'love' (in the context of romantic love). I wouldn't know how to be a Girlfriend. So I get scared, put on an act and fuck everything up.

I am a naive bastard when it comes to the matters of the heart (if you sensed the sarcasm then you probably already know me pretty well, kudos). I hate lovey-dovey stuff. I hate compliments, probably because I don't feel worthy of them so I dismiss them. I say "I'm fine" and I'm usually lying. I never feel fine. I might feel great or shit (usually shit). I don't like confrontations and I hate when people are upset with me. So I'm friendly,
I'm helpful and I'm nice. And apparently that's not a very good thing when it comes to guys - guys who I think of as only my friends and nothing else.

I'm not even sure if everything I just said made any sense, but I needed to get it off my chest. So there it is - ME. How I Am. And how I will be in the future (unless something monumental happens and completely changes me, though with my track record I really don't see that happening... ever).

I am not a skank, I don't sleep around, I'm not trying to be a bitch, but this side of me just slips out sometimes. I am outgoing, I am loyal, I love socialising, I hate everything fake (except for my hair, cause seriously - the brown that it used to be was just atrocious), I'm not girly (never ever will be). I am realistic, I am reliable, I am fucking well organized and even though I sometimes have really shitty weeks when I just run myself ragged, stop eating and say I hate life I don't really. Life might be hard at the moment, but it will get better. I am responsible for making it better for myself and I don't need anyone to feel sorry for me for any reason.

And who the fuck came up with the stupid notion of putting x-s in the end of text messages. I mean, x = kiss yeah? Do you seriously ever IRL (In Real Life) kiss all the people who put x-s everywhere? Eh, do you? Didn't think so. So what's the fucking point?

Compared to them...

The concept of being called "beautiful" is foreign to me. I don't know how to act so it makes me feel awkward. It makes me feel uncomfortable. Yet the thought is flattering. I want everything to think I'm really strong, but these things make me feel like a silly schoolgirl. Like I don't actually know anything about affection. And the truth is I don't. No one ever said "I love you" when I grew up, no one called me hun or darling. So when that shit suddenly gets thrown at me all at once I lose my balance and don't know what to do.

I feel really happy right now though. Like really really happy. But I'm paranoid that it's all a big joke. That I wake up tomorrow and it was all a dream. I think all that crap I went through with V really fucked me up. No 17-year old should have to deal with that. What the fuck was I thinking??

So I'm scared and because I'm scared I never let anyone get too close to me. And that fucks me up even more. But I'm really happy right now. I don't want that to go away. I want to smile and believe when someone tells me I have the cutest smile they've ever seen. Even if it doesn't last, I want to believe.

I'm nervous and excited. But so is he, so it's okay. It's going to be okay. Everything will be okay...

... I'm a fucking goddess

down the memory lane

so today I'm gonna talk about what happened to me about 2 months ago. the reason for bringing up old memories was triggered by what happened this weekend.

for me that day 2 months ago was one of the worst I've ever been through. true, not THE worst day, but I don't think I've ever actually been so scared before (and no, not even of dolls or clowns or really tiny spaces).

also I feel the need to explain something to you before telling the story. see, I care about animals way more than I do about people. hearing stories about animal abuse riles me up so much that I just want to make the people responsible pay for what they've done. on the other hand hearing about accidents involving humans leave me pretty much emotionless (unless I know those people, then it's a different story). I think it's a case of who's more helpless in any given situation. humans can speak, say what's wrong, but animals can't. and it's the humans who are given more help than any other animal in pain. so that's what pisses me off and that's why I don't give a shit about a human in pain, but I care about animals who are suffering. a perfect example is the Marge Arumäe case that's getting a lot of media attention right now - I think I can honestly say that should I see her in distress or pain or dying and it is in my power to help her... I probably wouldn't. you can call me heartless, but what she did to that dog is beyond any forgiveness.

ok, I tried to make it short, but there you go. once I get going on a subject I feel strongly about there's no stopping me. there's a lesson for whomever is reading this in here: if I'm not very enthusiastic in a conversation - I probably just don't care, but I'm polite enough to not say anything about it. :) (oh and the thing about the fuckin smiley faces. when I say something mean or don't really care about what I'm saying but still want to give you the impression that I'm nice, I just put a smiley face in the end and let you think that I actually give a shit) (apparently it works!)

so back to my original story - some of you probably know how I spent the entire summer going horseriding every day. I got really attached to this one horse and he was perfect for me (well, still is I suppose). one day we decided to go for a ride in the countryside. I remember the sun was still shining but it was getting quite late. there were three of us. and we took the same route we always take - in fact i'd just been there 2 days earlier with K. there were no fallen trees, nothing that would give a reason not to go. so it was me and my boy, K with the Hippo (that's a nickname btw, it wasn't an actual hippo in case some people think it's some weird Estonian habit - 'riding with hippos'.... although, would be interesting i suppose) and M with Pega.

everything was going well, we'd entered the woods 5 min earlier and had just started trotting 2 minutes before and were chatting away. it was quiet that evening, anyone could have heard us coming a mile away. one minute i'm telling M about the galloping hill that was coming up and was going to show her where it was and the next I remember some guy standing up from behind a bush and startling the horses. I was first, M was second. the horses got spooked and took a sharp right and we ended up in this thick undergrowth where the ground was soo wet and soft. funny thing is I didn't actually fall off. I just climbed off, that's how deep in the mud my horse was. there were thin branches everywhere around us. I can't remember much about the next 5 minutes, or was it more? I only remember feeling sheer terror that this is it - this is where the horse is going to die. all these thoughts kept racing through my mind - did he break his leg? or legs? maybe some of the branches cut him and now he's bleeding?

I tried to grab the reins and kept telling him in a soft voice that everything's gonna be alright. he tried to get up and failed and tried again and failed. I was cussing at everything while trying to get myself together and support him with my voice. at one point he just calmed down and rested his head on the ground. I stopped breathing then, I honestly thought that now it's over for him. but then he tried to get up again and managed. and stayed up this time. two more steps and we were back on the road.

M managed to get her horse out around the same time, they we in even deeper then we were. so there I was, standing next to Winnetou (that's his name btw) and just stroking him. thanking someone (not god) that it all ended well.

it was the fact that I saw someone that's dear to me (and don't you dare say I got too emotional because it was an animal) being hurt and being helpless and there was nothing I could do to make it better. I could just be there and hope for the best. that feeling I had during those 5 to n minutes was what made it one of the worst days I've ever had.

      - this was written last night

-and this today:
now I'm trying to figure out why I wrote this last night. I think I wanted to get to the point that I didn't actually manage to do any horseriding this weekend whatsoever. which totally sucks, but that's life.

I did go there on Friday and today, but the horse got seriously spooked twice when I was taking him outside and took off both times. with full gear of course. so first time he slipped and fell, then took off and by the time I caught up with him the reins were broken. no biggie - put new reins and tried again. he got spooked again and broke one of the wooden thingies that was holding him inside his... box? stupid terminology. anyway it was pretty thick but he just broke it in half and took off again. so that was it for that day. on saturday it was raining and today the same shitty weather. but at least I hung around there for a while on both days so it wasn't a complete loss. next time better luck, I suppose.

this must've been a really boring read to someone who doesn't know anything about horses, or care. :)

Dog Days Aren't Over

Hi
-Hello :)

My relatives. What can I say about them... I hate them :) Pretty much all of them. But most of all this one bitch - it's not so much that she's a bitch to me, I can easily deal with that, but the fact that she's a bitch to my mom. My MOM! That fuckin pisses me off. I don't always get along with mom, but she is the woman who raised me and was and always will be there for me. So people who fuck with my mom are lower than scum to me.

I made a promise to myself a long time ago. I promised that I will pay my mom back for all the help she's given me over the years and I am on my way to doing that. I'm proud of myself for getting off that couch 1,5 years ago and deciding to come to the UK. I'm proud that I didn't end up being a lazy fucker who didn't do anything with their life.

So this is me letting off steam. Listening to Florence and drinking my third (or is it fourth?) cup of coffee.

So what else is new? Oh so many things, so many things that I can't really say. But want to. Shit keeps happening to me. It's like a fucking rollercoaster - up, down, up, down, vomit, up, up, up, DOWN. One day at a time. That's all I can do.

11 days to go, during 3 of them Eva and Merje will be here :)

I'm not leaving the flat today, no matter what happens. Just one day when I don't have to do ANYTHING

fucking castiel and his kind

it's unbelievable how fast things move in this town. i've gone from Okay to Bad to Worse to SHIT to COMPLETELY FUCKED to Okay (again) to Good to Better to Great and Almost Awesome to Completely SHIT again in a matter of three weeks. wtf dundee!? when is this gonna end?

fucking people I'm tellin you. i wanna say 'fucking guys' but i must not forget that nigerian bitch. so it's gotta be people.

the plan was so simple. i had it all figured out: move to scotland, study hard, get the degree, get a fucking good job, ear a shitload of money and buy a horse. and a car. and a house with a lot of land where i can put my horse and the car that i had previously bought. that sounds simple enough doesn't it?? and then enter people and stuff GETS FUCKED UP. oh man, i'm so pissed off right now!

so. fucking. not. impressed.

can't wait for the 20th of october. wish i could fast-forward time like they do in the sims. fucking reality

bla bla

fakin laupäev. sorry, aga see postitus saab eesti keeles olema. vb on sel midagi pistmist eilse õhtuga. sain duke's corneris kokku kahe eestlasega, kes elavad dundees. väga timm õhtu oli! (Y) bänd oli ülihea ja seltskond ka. pärastpoole sain tasuta taksosõidu koju :) benefits of knowing the right people

momendil ei tee midagi kasulikku, paar tundi on veel aega enne kui me välja lähme. täna õhtul siis ühe poola tüdruku juurde ja pärastpoole lähevad mõned mingisse kluppi aga ma ei viitsi ilmselt nendega liituda. jälle selline väsinud olek, mai tea miks. olin natukene haige eelmine nädal, kuna stress jõudis mu kehale ilmselt järele. nüüd pole enam nagu midagi aga selline kerge nõrkus on ikka veel. natuke sakib.

ülehomme siis kooli, jee. seda võib võtta kui entusiastlikku 'jee'd või mitte nii väga, kuidas ise soovid. üks hetk ma ootan, teine hetk ma ei viitsi mõeldagi selle peale.

mu valjukad võiksid juba kohale jõuda, bhamist saan. mike saatis mulle, aga mind polnud eile kodus ja nägin kuidas delivery auto just minema sõitis kui koju jõudsin.

muud midagi uudist vist ei olegi, tuli rohkem selline halamispostitus täna, aga noh, eks neid peab ka olema. kuigi enamus vist on sellised :D suva

aa, eva tuleb mulle külla oktoobris ;) koos emaga. saab lahe olema :)