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This Is Me

Hi

My name is Teele. It's NOT pronounced 'teal' (tiːl). Try saying television and now try saying it without the 'vision' [tel-uh]. There, close enough - works.

I feel like I should make some things very clear about myself. Seems that I have been giving certain individuals a bit of a wrong impression about me quite a few times.

But first a bit about what I like and don't like. I don't think I'm like a lot of other girls. I have no idea what made me the way I am, but I'm pretty sure my mom had a lot to do with it. Fortunately I'm not going anywhere near the topic of how I was raised and what my family life was like, so let's just leave it at that.

I hate shopping, I hate dolls, I rarely wear make-up, I don't like dresses, I don't like skirts. I prefer playing Paintball to going to the hair salon. I like cars, I love driving, I love getting down and dirty and actually making stuff happen. I don't mind spending the entire day in stables throwing horseshit out. I love working with animals, I hate working with people. I don't like babies, they frighten me. I don't like children in general, they're messy and even though they can be cute sometimes I don't want one anytime soon.

Now, most of my friends are guys. And I think this is where I have royally fucked some shit up and now feel the need to explain my actions.

So... if I were to sum up my personality in one word then it would be "player". Cause that's what I do - I play with other people, I play with feelings (my own heavily included), I get people hurt, I manipulate and I usually get what I want in the end. It's a whole different story how long "whatever it was I wanted" lasts, but things do happen. Things happen all the fucking time.

I have been in this city for almost three months now and I can honestly say that if I wanted to I could write a fucking novel about all the shit that's happened here. My life here has been one big soap opera and to be honest, I can't see it ending any time soon.

See, I get on with people really well. I don't have a problem with meeting new people and making friends. People for me are a necessity. I need to talk, I need to communicate, I need to have fun and occasionally (though very rarely and not really in front of anybody) I need to let steam out. That might happen in one of the two ways:

1) I get really pissed off at someone which usually means I'm going to be extremely sarcastic and probably quite mean. I'm usually a nice person, but trust me - I am able to look someone in the eye and tell them exactly what I think about them.

2) Or I go somewhere alone and hope I can cry - but that shit never happens. I don't cry, I don't know how to cry and that just really makes me want to cry sometimes! Frustrating.

I am a loyal friend to the people who I care about. I might joke about stuff, but that's probably because it's easier to deal with life through jokes than actually talking about it. But I am reliable and I always come through when needed.

Apparently I have a flirty personality (see how the dots are beginning to connect?). I hadn't really thought about it before, because this is how I've always acted, but I suppose the cultural difference really does matter here. See, I have a best friend, a guy best friend and I act around him like I act around all the guys who I think are my friends and it's never been a problem with him before. So I come here, act like I act and what do I notice? Third day in Dundee and something's different - the way I act isn't considered just friendly anymore, it's flirty. And another one, 'let's go on a date' (FYI: I fucking hate dates, they are the most awkward things ever and I would rather cut my wrists than go on a date 'date' again). So You see where I'm going with this? Apparently I have given a lot of people the wrong impression about how I feel about them.

What ACTUALLY goes through my head and what everyone else THINKS don't match up. I'm being friendly/flirty(call it how You want) because that's just the way I fucking am. I am truly sorry if I ever gave anyone the wrong impression and I'm not even sure how many people will read this but if you think You are one of them, then I Am Sorry. When I like 'like' someone I will let them know (better sooner than later, but eventually it WILL happen) and I am quite BLUNT about these things. I don't like hurting people and I don't like giving false hope so I don't. And now I can smoothly go over to the next paragraph which deals with why I'm such a fucked up person.

I have been hurt so many times in my life, but for some reason I'm still a stupid fuck when it comes to relationships. Now don't get me wrong - I've never had a real relationship in my life so when I say 'relationship' it probably isn't exactly what You have in mind. What I've had can probably be classed as some fucked up version of a dirty romance story.

I don't really know the meaning of 'love' (in the context of romantic love). I wouldn't know how to be a Girlfriend. So I get scared, put on an act and fuck everything up.

I am a naive bastard when it comes to the matters of the heart (if you sensed the sarcasm then you probably already know me pretty well, kudos). I hate lovey-dovey stuff. I hate compliments, probably because I don't feel worthy of them so I dismiss them. I say "I'm fine" and I'm usually lying. I never feel fine. I might feel great or shit (usually shit). I don't like confrontations and I hate when people are upset with me. So I'm friendly,
I'm helpful and I'm nice. And apparently that's not a very good thing when it comes to guys - guys who I think of as only my friends and nothing else.

I'm not even sure if everything I just said made any sense, but I needed to get it off my chest. So there it is - ME. How I Am. And how I will be in the future (unless something monumental happens and completely changes me, though with my track record I really don't see that happening... ever).

I am not a skank, I don't sleep around, I'm not trying to be a bitch, but this side of me just slips out sometimes. I am outgoing, I am loyal, I love socialising, I hate everything fake (except for my hair, cause seriously - the brown that it used to be was just atrocious), I'm not girly (never ever will be). I am realistic, I am reliable, I am fucking well organized and even though I sometimes have really shitty weeks when I just run myself ragged, stop eating and say I hate life I don't really. Life might be hard at the moment, but it will get better. I am responsible for making it better for myself and I don't need anyone to feel sorry for me for any reason.

And who the fuck came up with the stupid notion of putting x-s in the end of text messages. I mean, x = kiss yeah? Do you seriously ever IRL (In Real Life) kiss all the people who put x-s everywhere? Eh, do you? Didn't think so. So what's the fucking point?

Compared to them...

The concept of being called "beautiful" is foreign to me. I don't know how to act so it makes me feel awkward. It makes me feel uncomfortable. Yet the thought is flattering. I want everything to think I'm really strong, but these things make me feel like a silly schoolgirl. Like I don't actually know anything about affection. And the truth is I don't. No one ever said "I love you" when I grew up, no one called me hun or darling. So when that shit suddenly gets thrown at me all at once I lose my balance and don't know what to do.

I feel really happy right now though. Like really really happy. But I'm paranoid that it's all a big joke. That I wake up tomorrow and it was all a dream. I think all that crap I went through with V really fucked me up. No 17-year old should have to deal with that. What the fuck was I thinking??

So I'm scared and because I'm scared I never let anyone get too close to me. And that fucks me up even more. But I'm really happy right now. I don't want that to go away. I want to smile and believe when someone tells me I have the cutest smile they've ever seen. Even if it doesn't last, I want to believe.

I'm nervous and excited. But so is he, so it's okay. It's going to be okay. Everything will be okay...

... I'm a fucking goddess

down the memory lane

so today I'm gonna talk about what happened to me about 2 months ago. the reason for bringing up old memories was triggered by what happened this weekend.

for me that day 2 months ago was one of the worst I've ever been through. true, not THE worst day, but I don't think I've ever actually been so scared before (and no, not even of dolls or clowns or really tiny spaces).

also I feel the need to explain something to you before telling the story. see, I care about animals way more than I do about people. hearing stories about animal abuse riles me up so much that I just want to make the people responsible pay for what they've done. on the other hand hearing about accidents involving humans leave me pretty much emotionless (unless I know those people, then it's a different story). I think it's a case of who's more helpless in any given situation. humans can speak, say what's wrong, but animals can't. and it's the humans who are given more help than any other animal in pain. so that's what pisses me off and that's why I don't give a shit about a human in pain, but I care about animals who are suffering. a perfect example is the Marge Arumäe case that's getting a lot of media attention right now - I think I can honestly say that should I see her in distress or pain or dying and it is in my power to help her... I probably wouldn't. you can call me heartless, but what she did to that dog is beyond any forgiveness.

ok, I tried to make it short, but there you go. once I get going on a subject I feel strongly about there's no stopping me. there's a lesson for whomever is reading this in here: if I'm not very enthusiastic in a conversation - I probably just don't care, but I'm polite enough to not say anything about it. :) (oh and the thing about the fuckin smiley faces. when I say something mean or don't really care about what I'm saying but still want to give you the impression that I'm nice, I just put a smiley face in the end and let you think that I actually give a shit) (apparently it works!)

so back to my original story - some of you probably know how I spent the entire summer going horseriding every day. I got really attached to this one horse and he was perfect for me (well, still is I suppose). one day we decided to go for a ride in the countryside. I remember the sun was still shining but it was getting quite late. there were three of us. and we took the same route we always take - in fact i'd just been there 2 days earlier with K. there were no fallen trees, nothing that would give a reason not to go. so it was me and my boy, K with the Hippo (that's a nickname btw, it wasn't an actual hippo in case some people think it's some weird Estonian habit - 'riding with hippos'.... although, would be interesting i suppose) and M with Pega.

everything was going well, we'd entered the woods 5 min earlier and had just started trotting 2 minutes before and were chatting away. it was quiet that evening, anyone could have heard us coming a mile away. one minute i'm telling M about the galloping hill that was coming up and was going to show her where it was and the next I remember some guy standing up from behind a bush and startling the horses. I was first, M was second. the horses got spooked and took a sharp right and we ended up in this thick undergrowth where the ground was soo wet and soft. funny thing is I didn't actually fall off. I just climbed off, that's how deep in the mud my horse was. there were thin branches everywhere around us. I can't remember much about the next 5 minutes, or was it more? I only remember feeling sheer terror that this is it - this is where the horse is going to die. all these thoughts kept racing through my mind - did he break his leg? or legs? maybe some of the branches cut him and now he's bleeding?

I tried to grab the reins and kept telling him in a soft voice that everything's gonna be alright. he tried to get up and failed and tried again and failed. I was cussing at everything while trying to get myself together and support him with my voice. at one point he just calmed down and rested his head on the ground. I stopped breathing then, I honestly thought that now it's over for him. but then he tried to get up again and managed. and stayed up this time. two more steps and we were back on the road.

M managed to get her horse out around the same time, they we in even deeper then we were. so there I was, standing next to Winnetou (that's his name btw) and just stroking him. thanking someone (not god) that it all ended well.

it was the fact that I saw someone that's dear to me (and don't you dare say I got too emotional because it was an animal) being hurt and being helpless and there was nothing I could do to make it better. I could just be there and hope for the best. that feeling I had during those 5 to n minutes was what made it one of the worst days I've ever had.

      - this was written last night

-and this today:
now I'm trying to figure out why I wrote this last night. I think I wanted to get to the point that I didn't actually manage to do any horseriding this weekend whatsoever. which totally sucks, but that's life.

I did go there on Friday and today, but the horse got seriously spooked twice when I was taking him outside and took off both times. with full gear of course. so first time he slipped and fell, then took off and by the time I caught up with him the reins were broken. no biggie - put new reins and tried again. he got spooked again and broke one of the wooden thingies that was holding him inside his... box? stupid terminology. anyway it was pretty thick but he just broke it in half and took off again. so that was it for that day. on saturday it was raining and today the same shitty weather. but at least I hung around there for a while on both days so it wasn't a complete loss. next time better luck, I suppose.

this must've been a really boring read to someone who doesn't know anything about horses, or care. :)

Dog Days Aren't Over

Hi
-Hello :)

My relatives. What can I say about them... I hate them :) Pretty much all of them. But most of all this one bitch - it's not so much that she's a bitch to me, I can easily deal with that, but the fact that she's a bitch to my mom. My MOM! That fuckin pisses me off. I don't always get along with mom, but she is the woman who raised me and was and always will be there for me. So people who fuck with my mom are lower than scum to me.

I made a promise to myself a long time ago. I promised that I will pay my mom back for all the help she's given me over the years and I am on my way to doing that. I'm proud of myself for getting off that couch 1,5 years ago and deciding to come to the UK. I'm proud that I didn't end up being a lazy fucker who didn't do anything with their life.

So this is me letting off steam. Listening to Florence and drinking my third (or is it fourth?) cup of coffee.

So what else is new? Oh so many things, so many things that I can't really say. But want to. Shit keeps happening to me. It's like a fucking rollercoaster - up, down, up, down, vomit, up, up, up, DOWN. One day at a time. That's all I can do.

11 days to go, during 3 of them Eva and Merje will be here :)

I'm not leaving the flat today, no matter what happens. Just one day when I don't have to do ANYTHING

fucking castiel and his kind

it's unbelievable how fast things move in this town. i've gone from Okay to Bad to Worse to SHIT to COMPLETELY FUCKED to Okay (again) to Good to Better to Great and Almost Awesome to Completely SHIT again in a matter of three weeks. wtf dundee!? when is this gonna end?

fucking people I'm tellin you. i wanna say 'fucking guys' but i must not forget that nigerian bitch. so it's gotta be people.

the plan was so simple. i had it all figured out: move to scotland, study hard, get the degree, get a fucking good job, ear a shitload of money and buy a horse. and a car. and a house with a lot of land where i can put my horse and the car that i had previously bought. that sounds simple enough doesn't it?? and then enter people and stuff GETS FUCKED UP. oh man, i'm so pissed off right now!

so. fucking. not. impressed.

can't wait for the 20th of october. wish i could fast-forward time like they do in the sims. fucking reality

bla bla

fakin laupäev. sorry, aga see postitus saab eesti keeles olema. vb on sel midagi pistmist eilse õhtuga. sain duke's corneris kokku kahe eestlasega, kes elavad dundees. väga timm õhtu oli! (Y) bänd oli ülihea ja seltskond ka. pärastpoole sain tasuta taksosõidu koju :) benefits of knowing the right people

momendil ei tee midagi kasulikku, paar tundi on veel aega enne kui me välja lähme. täna õhtul siis ühe poola tüdruku juurde ja pärastpoole lähevad mõned mingisse kluppi aga ma ei viitsi ilmselt nendega liituda. jälle selline väsinud olek, mai tea miks. olin natukene haige eelmine nädal, kuna stress jõudis mu kehale ilmselt järele. nüüd pole enam nagu midagi aga selline kerge nõrkus on ikka veel. natuke sakib.

ülehomme siis kooli, jee. seda võib võtta kui entusiastlikku 'jee'd või mitte nii väga, kuidas ise soovid. üks hetk ma ootan, teine hetk ma ei viitsi mõeldagi selle peale.

mu valjukad võiksid juba kohale jõuda, bhamist saan. mike saatis mulle, aga mind polnud eile kodus ja nägin kuidas delivery auto just minema sõitis kui koju jõudsin.

muud midagi uudist vist ei olegi, tuli rohkem selline halamispostitus täna, aga noh, eks neid peab ka olema. kuigi enamus vist on sellised :D suva

aa, eva tuleb mulle külla oktoobris ;) koos emaga. saab lahe olema :)

Ur body is a wonderland... John Mayer

Drunk again. Gotta love being a student in a new city. Ha. Feelin fuckin miserable as well. Cause of... ya know... reasons. Sounds stupid, I know, lovin and hatin my life right now. Why can't things just be simple? Why does it have to be so complicated?

Just had the most wonderful dinner I've had in a long time. Welcome to the neighbourhood, indeed. :) Thanks, Lawrence

Don't really have anything smart to say. Sad, I know.

I really don't wanna be as tired tomorrow as I was today so I guess I'll just finish writing this bullshit and go to bed :)

Welcome to Dundee

Imagine coming to a new strange city and you don't know anybody, you don't have a permanent place to stay and everything feels really fucked up. If that ever happens to you, don't worry, it's all gonna work out in the end.

This is what happened to me...

I arrived in Dundee on Tuesday, 6th of Sept, been here for 4 days now. They have been the craziest 4 days ever. I had a place checked out from Gumtree, so I went there straight away. It was a 2-bedroom flat and I was sharing with a Zambian guy. Everything looked fine at first, a bit dirty, but nothing that can't be cleaned. Then the next morning I went to have a shower, but guess what, the shower wasn't working. YAY! Only got water from the tap in the bath. Ok, no big deal, I thought. I'll just find a new place.

So I went back on Gumtree and started browsing from rooms. Found a couple, didn't really like them or I'd have to wait a week to move in, which wasn't an option, cause the Zambian guy wanted me out as soon as possible. My mistake really, shouldn't have told him that too soon. So on Wednesday I found this flat in city center, really close to Uni. It's owned by this old Nigerian lady, so I thought it would fine and all. I was ready to move in, but then she asked me to wait and I thought maybe I'll find something sooner than that. The next day came and I still didn't have anything and the Zambian guy said that a friend of his is coming and wants the room right away. Ok, so that was around 6 PM on Thursday evening.

Earlier that day I'd gotten a taxi from downtown and asked the taxi driver if he would help me move later. He said yes and I got his number. All fine and good. So I called the taxi driver, said I need to take my things to the Nigerian lady's flat today and he came to pick me up. Everything still good, he helped me move my stuff up to the third floor and everything. :)

So there I was, in my horrendous pink room in the Nigerian lady's flat (she was still a "lady" at that point). I thought that now would be a good time to take a real shower, so... I went to the bathroom and guess what (AGAIN) - there was NO shower. Like, at that last place the shower was just broken. But she actually didn't have one. There was a bath with a cold tap and a hot tap. So she was using a bucket to wash herself. Oh man, that was some crazy ass "luck" I had with the showers. So I got upset, maybe overreacted just a little (but I was already on the edge from all the other crap I'd gone through) and told her I can't stay here. Damn, she got soooo upset with me. I asked if I could stay until Sunday and she wanted me to pay like 100 or more pounds for that. Fuck that, so I asked how much for just one night. 40 pounds, YAY (that's sarcasm, btw). So I started calling people, I was so nervous. Called these 2 guys whose flat I'd looked at before, they still said I couldn't move in cause the had to give everybody a fair chance. And another one as well. They both offered to put me up for the night, but I couldn't carry all my stuff there.

So I called the hotels and hostels, EVERYTHING was booked (except Hiltons, but c'mon). Then I called M, but he couldn't really help me either, except with money. And that's when I remembered the taxi driver! I called, he picked up straight away, I told him I can't stay here and I need him to pick me up and he was there in 2 minutes. He said he'd thought that something dodgy was going on with the Nigerian woman so he wasn't really that surprised when I called.

So once again, he helped me carry all my stuff down, back into the taxi and off we went. Just driving around the city, I had no idea what was happen to me. Then he said that his "lunch" break (he's working nights, I think it was 10 PM already or smth) is coming up and let's go drink some coffee at his place and discuss my situation. So we did. And then something happened that made me think that maybe not all people in Dundee are assholes. He offered me his spare bedroom for a few nights, just out of the goodness of his heart. Of course I took it, I didn't have anyplace else to go. So that's where I was on Thursday night, sleeping at A's house. Man, was I glad that I didn't have to spend the night out on the streets with all my 5 bags (why do I have so much shit anyway???). Thank u soo much :)

The next morning I went to check out the student accommodation, 93 pounds a week!!! WTF. And then as I was sitting in McDonalds, drinking my coke and eating a cheeseburger, I remembered that one of the adds said that there's a viewing for a flat on Friday. So I called, the guy said he's at the flat right now and I went to see it. I was waiting in front of the house with two other people, a girl and a guy and they also said they're here to see the flat. They were really friendly and I liked them from the start :). So basically, long story short, we decided to get the flat together. It's a really nice flat, big living area that is separated from the kitchen by glass doors. 2 bedrooms, one for me, one for them. Everything is so clean, the shower is working!!! And the landlord is really nice as well.

So here I am now, sitting behind my kitchen table, drinking coffee and writing about my horrible 4 days in Dundee, which just seem like a really bad memory right now.

Everybody can come and visit me anytime, just let me know. Like I said, biiig living room ;)

Take care guys, and if you ever find yourself in a similar situation - don't worry too much, it's all gonna work out in the end :)

I'll post some pictures later today.

Cheers!

Another fucked up day

Wednesday, been in the UK 6 days. I've slept in 3 different places. Still don't have a permanent place to live. I'm fed up with this shit. Checking Gumtree every 10 minutes, email every 2 minutes. I just want a room, no big deal. I'm sad, alone and pissed off. I don't know at what, but generally pissed off.

Never again will I move in somewhere that I haven't even seen before. The shower is broken, windows let cold air through and the vacuum cleaner doesn't even deserve that name. And there are a lot of drunks here. I think I'm a bit scared. Oh man, I should just go to bed and hope for better luck tomorrow.

What the fuck am I doing here???

From heaven to kind-of-hell in one hour

Arrived in Birmingham yesterday. Everything was fine. Life was good, I had my plans. Today though... I went to visit my aunt in Gloucestershire, it went well. After I got back to Bham, everything suddenly went to shit. See the thing is M was supposed to take me to Dundee on Monday. But he started saying shit like "i wanna be close to you, I love you" and bla bla, which he knows very well that these kind of things, coming from him, piss me off. So I cancelled it, our trip to Dundee, told him if he keeps saying shit like that then I'm not gonna go with him anywhere. I'll be better off on my own. At that point the headache I had had before had grown multiple times bigger. Three painkillers and already it's starting to wear off.

So there was nothing left to do except plan, and plan and call friends (I have a few living around the UK, thankfully) and plan some more. At the moment I'm sitting with my Thunderbird open and waiting for emails from all kinds of people who want to rent out flats or rooms. Or just put me up for a few nights here and there.

So I'm leaving on Monday, like I planned. Just not by car and I won't get to Dundee by the evening. I'm going to see B in Liverpool, not gonna tell M. After that it's S in Aberdeen for a few nights and then hopefully I can spend the weekend on some Polish girl's couch and Maybe next week after that I can stay at the student halls. It's all still a bit open and I'm really pissed off and stuff, but I'll get through it. One more person I need to get in touch with, hopefully I can leave some of my stuff with her.

Gonna go and try to sleep now I think... if I could just turn my brain off. Can't wait for tomorrow. Clear my head and think things through.

Gdnight

Drunk from one beer.

Still a good amount of days left until I go. Realised today that some of my friends can be real assholes, unbelievable. Thinking of going to Hiiumaa for a few days, maybe the coming week, maybe next. Take some time off, relax, drive around. Went riding today, and yesterday and the day before. Is good, real good. Teaching some young ones at the moment, rode with a new horse today, well, new to me. That's what made me realise that I'm not a bad rider, luck just gives some people the easier options. Funny how I didn't see it before... funny how I saw many new things about my life today. Funny how I always write when I'm drunk... from one beer, I'm cheap.

Of angels. Or whatever

I have been alive for 21 years, 7 months and 12 days. During that time I've been a child, hung around with other 6 year olds, gone to school for the first time, had my first kiss, got my drivers licence, graduated and done many many things. Yet this blog isn't going to be about my life before, it's going to be about the next four years that I will be spending in Dundee, Scotland where I'm gonna be studying to become... somebody.

My big dream is to do well in Uni, get a boyfriend who really cares about me and continue horseriding. Eventually graduate, get a good job (that I'll actually like), travel and in the end move to some semi-remote location (which has to have wifi) and live with my future man and my future horses; and maybe, MAYBE my future baby.

Hopefully no-one will read this blog until... well some time later in life. I'm too lazy to keep a diary so blogging will have to do.

I don't know anybody in Dundee, I have no idea where I'm gonna be living and no idea where I'm gonna get the money from. But life's one big adventure and I don't wanna miss it.