The concept of being called "beautiful" is foreign to me. I don't know how to act so it makes me feel awkward. It makes me feel uncomfortable. Yet the thought is flattering. I want everything to think I'm really strong, but these things make me feel like a silly schoolgirl. Like I don't actually know anything about affection. And the truth is I don't. No one ever said "I love you" when I grew up, no one called me hun or darling. So when that shit suddenly gets thrown at me all at once I lose my balance and don't know what to do.
I feel really happy right now though. Like really really happy. But I'm paranoid that it's all a big joke. That I wake up tomorrow and it was all a dream. I think all that crap I went through with V really fucked me up. No 17-year old should have to deal with that. What the fuck was I thinking??
So I'm scared and because I'm scared I never let anyone get too close to me. And that fucks me up even more. But I'm really happy right now. I don't want that to go away. I want to smile and believe when someone tells me I have the cutest smile they've ever seen. Even if it doesn't last, I want to believe.
I'm nervous and excited. But so is he, so it's okay. It's going to be okay. Everything will be okay...
... I'm a fucking goddess
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